Sex,Drugs, and a Billion Dollars

I only slept for 2 hours today. I nearly stayed up to 9am, but i managed to get to sleep at 7 to wake up for 9. I can't sleep anymore, and the affects of such little energy is affecting my everyday thought process. I had alot of dreams last night that I'm becoming more aware of the more i go throughout the day. I had a dream about sex,drugs, and having a billion dollars.(plays wierd dream music as we fade into a dreamlike world of mystery)

I never wanted to do cocaine but today she was enticing me to do so. Women are the only thing that can get me to do something I don't want to do, and its because i like being used. She was innocent at first when she danced around the lines asking "have you ever stayed up all night and felt high?" and "have you ever been with a white girl?" With the combination of those two questions i deducted that she was asking me if i've ever tried cocaine. She was cute, but I realized that I was in a dream so I agreed to everything she said. Next thing you know were both intwined within each other, occasionally taking few moments to dip fingers into a powdered pouch. She would than slowly lick until even i felt the numbness on my fingers. Afterwards, i remembered walking outside to be somehow in Costa Rica, a place where I've wanted to buy real estate for some time. I was wearing nice clothes, was well in shape, and I overall felt like a very successful man. I was about to leave my house, but I became so engaged with my scenery.  The smell of the ocean, the beautiful blue sky, and the breeze. Such scene's reminded me of small alley ways in Verona,Italy. The wind that would gently brush against my shaved face, and the sights of flowing window curtains. I felt as if this feeling was what love really felt like for me.It spoke freedom in me.

I awoke after other various dreams feeling empty, and defeated. Feelings of apathy continuously clouding my mind, thoughts of suicide not lagging far behind, yet no attempts would ever be made. Some have questioned why I continually say this is a Real Estate Blog. They are correct its not, but real estate is a part of my life, and this blog is in representation of my life. I don't want to be like these other bloggers who are obviously blogging for money. Yes i am as well, but I want these words to one day be read by many people so they themselves, can possibly not feel so alone in there pursuit to financial freedom.

There is so much gut wrenching anxiety that comes to me when I speak of my dreams. One of my dreams is to be a successful real estate developer. I like designing things, and being creative. There are alot of designs, that have yet to be created, many more buildings that have yet to scrape the sky,but within this mentality I do not see my plans coming to fruition. Why do i have so much doubt? Its a combination of childhood problems mixed with religious problems,which lastly involves reality. I believe we all have the power to do many things, and we also have the power to continuously grow and learn yet I feel powerless within the knowledge that I can't do anything without God. Even men of philosophy have felt such excruciating pain that they themselves have came to terms within themselves, and began to self loathe. Without God i am nothing, yet God's purpose for my life may be contrary to what i want to do with mine. Therefore in many aspects if i am to go against the will of God while also damning my soul to hell, i can no longer pursue my happiness. Yet such beautiful longing may even negate itself once ones desire is acquired. I want to be a successful businessman, yet what if thats not meant for me? Confidence comes from good self esteem, it could also come from flattery, and mostly achievement. I've achieved many things that I dont draw confidence from, for I feel this battle between me and God that I will ultimately lose is pulling away from my free will. My aunt says "give yourself to God", those words feel like i have no choice. That unless I give myself to something that I don't necessarily want to, that I will forever be lost. Such feelings fuel my self-loathing. That i have to kneel before a God despite the fact I would serve if I didn't feel forced to. What type of God would want someone to believe in him out of desperation?out of Prudence?